Sometimes we get so caught up in the emotions that we forget to live in the now and not how something or someone made us feel. It’s better to remember them for the good parts instead of the bits which broke your heart.
*OLD SCHOOL HIT*
Zhane- Sending My Love
*NEW AGE REMIX*
Chantel- Sending My Love
Sometimes I have this desire to share my most inner thoughts with the masses, not based on my desire to educate more so to convince myself that I’m not bat shit crazy or on the verge of a mental collapse.
I wonder sometimes if I’m the only person who may seem engaged in conversation when my mind’s in a whole other realm wondering, “wtf are you talking about and if I really need to hear this shit.” Yet I laugh on queue to make you feel better about yourself because if I told you the truth I don’t know how you would handle it.
I wonder about the minutes, days and hours that I’ve spent being concerned and showing love to others who probably wouldn’t bat their eyes to hog tie and roast my ass should the world be thrown into chaos and the end was tomorrow.
I wonder about other people’s loyalty, honesty and their ability to handle all aspects of the truth.
I’ve spent so much time wondering and reading the instruction manuals on “what to do/not to”, instead of doing. Somewhere along the road I went from not giving a 2 shits to “Ms I Want to Make Sure Everyone’s Okay”. Everyone but me.
So I woke up with a chip on my shoulder determined to reclaim my greatness. I came to the conclusion that the reason why no one congratulates me on my accomplishments is because I’m expected to succeed. Success isn’t out of the norm, I just became complacent. Why should anyone coddle or congratulate me for being anything below what we all truly know that I’m capable of. So I prayed, cried and then picked up the pieces to create my brain child….my version of success
It’s February 1st, 2012, the first day of Black History Month and I’ve just found out that Don Cornelius has died. What has been released regarding the matter thus far is that he succumbed to a gunshot wound to the head which appears to be self-inflicted. My soul has been stirred.
This was the farthest thing from my mind when I woke up this morning.
Yesterday I was thrown a monkey wrench in regards to what I plan on doing with my life and the direction that it’s heading. I was determined however to not let it get the best of me. Usually when things don’t go as planned or expected I go into panic attack mode but somehow I was able to internally talk myself off the ledge and find a place of zen. I guess you could say that my level of maturity now exceeds my years in age, finally! I believe I have reached that threshold where I know that things in life will not always go as planned, however why get caught up with the dramatics of wallowing and harping on the bad when there is a lesson to be learned and that maybe, just maybe, it can turn it into something good?
I woke up this morning full of hope and optimism because the act in itself, waking up to a new day, is indeed a blessing regardless of what the day may bring. I made the necessary calls in order to be proactive towards finding a solution for my current hurdles. I even received an unexpected call from a certain someone, I guess that’s God’s way of telling me that the path I am on is in fact the right one. In the midst of that, I quickly reviewed the statuses on my BBM which is when I first learned of Don Cornelius’ passing. In a state of disbelief I took to Google to do some fact-finding of my own. To my dismay the information was indeed correct, Don Cornelius, Mr Soul Train himself, had indeed been found dead. Of course when anyone passes the question that would cross anyone’s mind would be, died of what and how?
I am no stranger to depression as I myself believe that I suffer from a ‘touch’ of it as well as other people in my life. I am by no means assuming that he suffered from depression however to what depths of hopelessness would one have to plunge in order to take their own life? A belief that it would not get any better and that the taking of your own life would be the only means to an end. I’ve visited the depths of despair and played poker with the Devil. Thankfully God intervened and showed me in the only way possible that my soul was needed in the world of the living, he spared my life. I cry sometimes when I think back to that moment in time. That lapse in judgement where my overwhelming pain and suffering seemed to surpass my fear of God himself. Determining that my life was no longer worth living and that death would be the suitable remedy for what ailed me. I prayed for forgiveness and vowed never again, I now live to keep my vow to God.
I received a BBM blast from one of my contacts which compelled me to speak on the matter (excuse the grammatical errors I tend to think faster than my fingers can type):
Yes ma’am, the Devil is a liar. He will try to convince you that there’s no hope, no light, that the most precious gift that God has given you, life, is not worth living. Suicide is directly contrary to the will of God, it goes against his gift of life. God created human beings in His image and each of us carries within us the potential to overcome the evil in this world. If we are Christians, we no longer belong to ourselves, but to God. We are overseers of our bodies and our lives which belong to Him, and we are responsible to guard that which has been entrusted to us. Though demons may try to tempt us to kill ourselves, as Christians we have power over the devil and he cannot push us to do so if we sincerely call on the name of the Lord. Mr Cornelius I pray that you called upon the Lord in your final moments on this Earth.
I sincerely believe with suicide there are no happy endings, even when trying to be ‘ironic’ by using it to promote your party (tasteless!). You end up leaving behind the people who loved you with incurable wounds. They’re left with a movie that was once your life which quickly came to an end without truly knowing what the climax or what the true ending may have been. God bless your soul Don Cornelius, in happier days you kept us dancing.